it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
