I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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