I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
