I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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