and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
