thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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