he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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