So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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