Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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