my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
