Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
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Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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