there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
