I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
