Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
