I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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