So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
