my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
