At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
