I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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