Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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