At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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