god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
