Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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