OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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