Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway