I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful