it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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