where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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