you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
