6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
