Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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