can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
