when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
