JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
