You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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