I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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