Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
