they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
