No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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