you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I love having hate sex.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
