I wish I could teleport
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
