There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
