Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
