hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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