dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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