We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
