I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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