guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
