I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
