nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
