so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
