you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
