Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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