just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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