I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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